In addition to being able to hit rock bottom emotionally, we humans can also hit an emotional ceiling.
Despite having a biological mechanism that is constantly seeking to find pleasure and avoid pain, some have also discovered an emotional mechanism that starts shutting down the pleasure if it gets overloaded.
Did you hear that right?
Yes, that means it is possible to be too happy!
Gay Hendricks writes about this happiness-regulation mechanism in his book, The Big Leap. He calls it “the upper limit problem” and describes many times where things in his life were going well and getting better. And just when he was enjoying a peak moment, about to soak up all the sunshine of his success, a gloomy negative suspicious thought would worm its way into his mind and make him doubt the whole thing.
Or worse, he would pick a meaningless fight, resort to snarky comments, become careless with important deadlines, or sabotage his own success in some uncharacteristic way. He watched this happen time and time again in himself and also with his clients, until he started to see the formula:
Everyone has a Happiness Set Point.
And when we get too far away from our happiness set point, even on the positive side, our biochemistry will kick on like a thermostat to bring us back into our normal range. This theory has been studied by the American Psychological Association and many others and is now known as the “happiness set point theory” among psychologists.
So what can we do about it?
Here are the 3 steps I use to gradually expand my capacity for Joy & Happiness:
1. AWARENESS
Whenever I have a few wins in a row, or I reach a long-awaited goal, or even if I just have a particularly good day with my hubby, I become aware of my ceiling as it approaches. It accompanies phrases like:
“I didn’t know life could get this good.”
or
“It doesn’t get any better than this!”
or
“I think this is the happiest I’ve ever felt.”
Now, I’m a words girl, so hearing these phrases is how I know my ceiling is near – I say it or think it in words. It may be different for you. It may be a feeling so big in your chest that you just have to spread out your arms and dance around, or you may feel your cheeks aching from smiling all day. Whatever it is for you, start becoming aware of it.
Be aware of when you are nearing your previous happiness ceiling.
2. Stretch & feel safe
Okay, is it time to let that old ceiling crack and let your happiness overflow and raise the roof! I focus on feeling it, savoring it, and rolling around in it, even though I’ve never felt this happy before, and I remind my subconscious mind that I am safe, and that it’s okay to feel this way.
I work out my happiness muscle with every second, knowing that even 10 extra seconds is a big deal! If other thoughts pop up, I set them aside and return my focus just to the Joy for just a liiiiiittle longer…. after all, if it is like most emotions, it may only be around for 90 seconds or so. Enjoy it as much as you can!
3. Enjoy the natural downhill
If I’ve allowed myself to feel the joy fully, it usually starts to fade softly and naturally back down to my typical range. And I am left with a fond memory of a peak experience, an expanded capacity for joy in the future, and a sweet buoyant contentment.
Sometimes, I don’t feel this way afterwards, and I can usually see that I’ve either:
a) tried to hang on to the feeling because I didn’t want it to fade – sort of clinging and grasping and trying to make this joy last foreverrrrrrrrr!!!
or
b) I’ve “picked a fight” with myself, another, or the situation itself. I may have started noticing how it wasn’t perfect, or tried to control it, or wriggled out of the moment in some new creative way. When I do this, I am left with a tainted memory, and a feeling of frustration.
Here’s what happened to me on the day of my wedding reception. It was a beautiful day, with a lot of little details that mostly went really well. Not perfectly, but really well. It really was one of the happiest days of my life, being with all my friends, family, and my wonderful new husband, in the mountains eating BBQ and playing games.
I felt beautiful, and cared for, and totally myself. For hours. Plus, the day before had been an incredible day as well – a spa day followed by our small evening ceremony on the lake. Wow, okay, I was nearing my happiness limit!
Afterwards, we went back to the cabin to put our feet up and just savor the glow for a bit before dinner. However, the cabins had made a mistake and checked us out a day early, and our keys did not work in our door!
This was an opportunity for me to snap out of my joy and drain all my pleasure away. And I started to. I felt myself frowning, and then I felt the wave of wanting to list alllllll the little things that had not gone right! I was picking a fight with my beautiful day, and starting to turn my attention to the tiny details.
I was about to exchange the huge incredible warmth and wonder of that day for a little taste of righteousness about people being incompetent.
Luckily, my support system kicked in. Justin, my new hubby, got on the phone with the cabins, and we knocked on the door of our friends’ cabin who let us chill on their couch. Now it was up to me how I would handle this. As the bride, they would all probably follow my lead – and we all would have either had a total bitching fest, or a great memory.
The happily ever after is that I chose to bring up the joy, and savor the sweetness of the day. I counted my blessings, we told stories of old friends, and we all laughed and cried together on that couch. It is one of my fondest memories of the whole week, and I am so happy I loosened up and let it happen.
How about you?
In what ways do you limit your joy?
How do you know when you’re approaching your happiness ceiling?
How do you remember to stay focused on the joy, and not get jolted out of it?
And how will you gradually expand your range of happy?
Amanda’s passion is working with women who find themselves in higher levels of leadership than they planned – needing to speak, negotiate, or sell. She shares tools to help them stay in Joy & Authenticity as they lead. You can find out more at Everyday-Light.com.